Sacred Creation Stories

From the time that I had thought about having children, I had envisioned myself having a home birth.  Midwives surrounding me as I birthed in the tub, my doula giving me homeopathic remedies and the sounds of my Buffalo Drum, reminding my babe of their sacred connection to the heartbeat of the earth.  The heartbeat that connects us all.

It all sounded so sacred.  So divine.  And I have met many women whose birth stories sound similar to this. I would read blogs and books about natural birth and how these women felt so deeply connected to their babes and how the experience was incredibly spiritual.  I *so* wanted this and was in awe of the women who shared their natural birthing stories. 

This was what I was going to do too.

Or so I thought.

When I got pregnant, I found out that a home birth wasn't meant to be and neither were midwives as my pregnancy was considered high risk.

Once I came to terms with this, I did everything I could to try and create what I felt was a sacred birth experience, in the hospital and of course, put a wee bit of pressure on myself to create this.  After all, I wanted spiritual, I wanted sacred, I wanted deep connection.  And in my mind, this looked a certain way.

The universe, however, had other plans.  Of course it did, because it loves to check in a couple times per year to see if I have learned how to surrender.  Just to let you know universe.  I am still working on it and probably will for the rest of this lifetime.  It's a tough one for me!

My intentions to birth in soft light with essential oils and beautiful music was brought to a screeching halt when I was told that I had to go to the OR.  Bright, fluorescent lights were not my ideal situation.  In fact, I despise bright lights!  Ask anyone who has seen me run far far away from Big Box Stores.  So as they wheeled me in there, my first thought was not about my impending birth,  rather it was about the buzz and brightness of those crazy lights!!!

My doula and nurse were my saving grace as they both held sacred space for me as I pushed and pushed and pushed.  And after what seemed like hours, my beautiful Kai was born.

When they took him away to be monitored, I was devastated.  He was supposed to be on my breast latching already, I was supposed to be rubbing the vernix into his skin and whispering how much I loved him.  It wasn't supposed to be this way!  He was gone.

He was gone...

And all I could do was cry.

Cry for the plans that did not go the way that I had envisioned, cry for my baby who was taken away from me, cry for my body that could not walk or move.

I did a lot of crying.

And the universe asked me: "Have you surrendered yet?"

And I cried some more.

And I realized that nobody would ever consciously choose their birth experience to be difficult. That I had to be gentle with myself and accept that there were many factors at play.  That there are soul lessons, life lessons, and that this sacred birth experience gives you the deepest opportunity to heal what needs to be healed in your life.

In the end, my birth was indeed a deeply spiritual, incredibly sacred experience.  It pushed me to the depths of vulnerability and grace.  Darkness and light.  Pain and healing.  And it was a gift.

I didn't need the home birth with drumming to achieve this, for Mother Earth was right there, holding me and my brand new divine child in her arms.  Rocking us gently, with the message of the ancestors sourcing through her heart.

"Fall into my arms and let go beautiful divine mother.  Shed the tears of your soul, until the water reflects the light of the rainbows.  You are loved.  You are loved.  You are loved."

And seven months later, I can see that all of those tears that were shed held a very precious vibration.  They carried a new wisdom.  The wisdom of a mother who held a beautiful sacred story in her heart.  And there was also a deep knowing that for many moons before her, there were many other mothers who held this very same wisdom.

And now, it is time to share.

A. xo

I am facilitating a new type of healing circle called Sacred Creation Stories for all mamas to share and engage in the healing of their birth stories.  These circles will involve ceremony, love and light and all stories will be held with the deepest respect and reverence.  Contact me at asha@my-homeopath.com for details and dates.
*Above artwork by Maxine Noel*

Suffering...

I had a crazy mommy moment yesterday at our local health food store.  I was happily shopping with Kai and trying to be efficient as I had to be home to see a patient.

Groceries into the car, check.  Baby Kai in car, check.  Stroller in trunk, check.  And then...click, all of the doors lock.  My heart dropped.  My keys are in the car.  My phone is in the car.  My *baby* is. in. the. car.

Thankfully there was an earth angel to the rescue who offered his phone and his coat (I had run out of the house without one!) He patiently waited as I tried my husband, my stepfather (neither answered), CAA (which would take too long!) and finally, seeing me on the verge of a breakdown, announced that he was calling the police. 

Kai was screaming, Kai was sad.  Tears were streaming down his face, not knowing why his mommy was sending all of her heart love through a window.  He could see my lips moving: "I love you Kai, Mommy is here Kai, Kai Bear, it's all going to be okay..."

It was not a good situation.  Until the fire truck showed up.  Yup.  A huge red fire truck, ladder and all.  Ha.  I sure know how to cause a scene. 

They got him out without breaking my window and I was so grateful.

However, I cannot get Kai's little tear stained face out of my head.  The fact that he suffered even for a moment, causes my heart to hurt.  I never want Kai to suffer.  I cannot bear the thought of it.

And I realized just how fearful I am of this. 

When I think about my own journey with my health struggles I sometimes have a difficult time acknowledging all of the pain.  It has been quite a journey and I would never want to go back to any of those times. I take full responsibility of this being mine to heal, that every time my body experiences pain, that it is an opportunity to go deeper and heal the source of it all.  Those times have been my biggest teachers, but they have also been really challenging.

But I do not, ever, want Kai to suffer like I have.  I cannot even think about the possibility of it.  It is too much.  I want to protect him from every pain, every loss, every sadness.  And I wonder if this is what every parent feels?  I know that this is not realistic.  From a greater perspective, I know that we choose our lessons and gain an infinite amount of wisdom from all that we struggle through.  But I just could not bear the thought of my baby going through all of that pain.

So, today, something struck me.  Why can I not bear the thought of my Kai going through this, yet, I have been through so much and never truly stop to offer myself the compassion and love that I would offer my sacred child.  Am I not worth more love than that?

And something becomes very clear to me.  I need to see myself as precious and beautiful and as perfect as my baby Kai.  I need to nurture, love, protect and honour myself as much I do for him.

So, I ask you, where and when do you need to offer yourself the love and kindness that you would offer your child?  If you are not a parent, just imagine seeing a baby or an animal and how that immediately opens your heart.  Can you offer yourself all of that compassion, all of that love, all of that acceptance?  Tonight, I wish all of this for you.  I wish that you see your light, your infinite beauty and radiance and that your heart fills with the knowing that you are so precious, so loved and needed on this earth.

As I close my eyes tonight, I pray to the Star Nations and I send this affirmation up and out for the entire universe to witness.

I am precious.  I am loved.  I am beautiful.  And we are one.

A. xo

Balance

When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a mommy.  I adored babies and young children and could not wait to have my own.  Every time a little cousin would visit, I would cuddle and snuggle them and my heart would feel so happy just to be close to these little souls.  I loved to babysit, I just adored children with all my heart.

Fast forward to my adult years and at 27, I started my business.  The seven years after that were spent nurturing and loving and sharing my whole heart with my patients and growing my business.  I honestly did not really think about having a baby during this time as I invested my whole being into this endeavor.  When I think back, it surprises me that I waited so long to have a baby, as it was something my child self constantly wished for.

When I got pregnant, I started thinking about balance.  This is something that I am sure every mother agonizes over.  Being self-employed meant, for me, that I would have to go back before a year and I just did not know how everything would work out.  How does one balance work and baby?

The work that I do never seems like work.  It is this miraculous, beautiful, soul filling magic.  It is creation.  It is pure, it is love. 

Every single patient that I see, reflects and mirrors my own issues on some level.  I receive so much healing from my beautiful patients.  I am deeply grateful each day that I "work" and my soul does not feel complete without it.  How can I give this up?

Balance in my life has been a huge lesson.  I have worked really hard to bring balance into my life.  I see my life like a big pie and every part of my life fits into it equally.  Family, husband, friends, work, play, healing, self-care.  These are my pie pieces and of course, at times, some pieces are bigger than the others, but I really try to keep it equal as it just seems to work for me and my life.

Having a baby made my pie a big smushy blob of baby love.  For these past four months, the focus has been on baby, which is beautiful!  This time spent with Kai has been miraculous and I am so grateful for every single second.

This week was my first official week back to work.  Throughout my pregnancy I worried about this week.  How was it going to go?  How was I going to feel leaving my Kai?  How was I going to bring balance into this new chapter of my life?

Well, I can tell you, that this week, I have been a big blubbering mess.  Truly.  The mommy guilt took over.  Every time Kai cried, I thought "Oh gosh, he is traumatized that I am not there."  The reality was that he was wet or hungry, like usual, yet I could not just let it be.

Mommy guilt.   It sneaks up on you.   It can make your heart hurt, it can break you down into a sobbing mess.  It can get all scrunched up in the pit of your stomach until you decide to finally take that breath to let it go. Mommy guilt. It is real. And I am feeling it.

I love my child with all my heart.  I love my work with all my heart.  My work is my passion.  My child is my passion.  How does one balance this?

I realized today just how hard I am on myself.  I expect so much.  Moving into this week, I expected that everything would just flow.  That I would be able to just go back to work and not have to make any adjustments and that I would be able to handle it all.

Today, I am in awe of those moms who can handle it all.

I know that we will find balance.  I know that we will find the groove of it all.  My higher self trusts this.  I absolutely love every second of my time with Kai and I absolutely love every second of my time with my patients.  They are so miraculous, teaching me, shining their light into my life. Both Kai and my patients filled my soul with light and love.

However, tonight, I sit in this vulnerable place of wondering whether I am a good mom, whether I am depriving my child of anything, whether I am doing the right thing.

And this is the truth.  My truth for the present moment.  And I call in my beautiful deer medicine that has always reminded me to be gentle.  To let go.  To love myself.  Because all I can do is to do my best.  And that.  Is enough.

A. xo

Compassion

For my birthday two of my generous friends gifted me with a massage.  Oh. My. God.  Can I tell you that this is the best gift that you can give a new mom?  Wow.  That rub down was heavenly.  During the massage, I was acutely aware of how much emotion and pain was stored in my body.  As those hands worked through my sore body, I finally was able to take a breath.  To allow whatever needed to rise to the surface to rise.  And rise it did.

As I laid there, there was a remembering.  A remembering of kind eyes and kind hands.  When I was in the hospital after giving birth, I had the most wonderful nurses.  I swear that nurses are re-incarnated angels and I will never, ever forget all that they did for me in my stay after Kai was born.

I remember one night, there was a shift change and I awoke to these kind eyes that had a tear in them.  This nurse looked so deeply into my soul and said "I'm sorry that you have to go through this.  This is a time were you should be enjoying your baby and here you are in so much pain."  At the time I shrugged it off.  While I deeply appreciated her compassion, I realize that I did not fully take it into my heart.  I did the "I'm fine" thing and on we went.

The next day, I had to have an x-ray and moving about was extremely painful.  By the time I got back to my room, I was spent, both physically and emotionally.  I broke down and this nurse came in and took my head into her hands and said to me: "just cry...it's okay...just cry, I am here".  Wow.  It was as kind and beautiful as a mother's touch, yet again, I realize that I didn't fully take it into my heart.  I just soldiered on.  I had a new baby to take care of.  My problems were to be put on the back burner.  Or so I thought.

Why was I so resistant to this compassion that these strangers were offering to me?  Every day in my work I offer the same to my patients, truly offering them my heart and love.  Why couldn't I accept this?  It made me sad.

I thought back to a conversation that I had a couple of weeks ago.  I was deeply triggered by this conversation as I felt unsupported, unacknowledged, not heard and not seen for all that I was trying to do.  When this happens, I know that I need to step back and see what needs to be healed in myself. 

What I saw was that I was searching for a compassionate response.  I wanted to hear "Asha, I am so sorry that you have had to go through this and things have not worked out the way your heart so desired."  And then it hit me.  I needed to say this to myself.  I needed to offer myself compassion and I was searching outside of myself for it.  This was amplified even more when I re-injured myself last week and was stuck again, not being able to walk very well.

 How many times do we search outside of ourselves for people to say "the right thing".  How long do we wait for that apology, that acknowledgement, those perfect words so that we can finally just let it go?  For me, I realized that if I offered myself this compassion, then I would not need to hear these words from anyone.  I could offer myself the ultimate self-love, offer myself those gentle hands and those beautiful eyes filled with tears...this is what I needed for me to give - to me.

So today - I offer this to myself:

Dear Asha,

I am sorry that you have had to experience this pain after Kai's birth.  I am sorry that things haven't turned out the way you had envisioned.  Even though I know that you trust that all of this had a healing purpose, it is okay to feel sad about it all.  It is okay to feel angry.  It is okay to cry.

Forgive yourself for not being able to go for the walks that you dreamed of with your son.  Forgive yourself for not being about to fully breastfeed the way you had wanted to.  Forgive yourself for not being able to "do" what you had expected you would be able to do.  Because all that matters is that you love him.  You love him with all of your heart and soul and this is all that matters.  Let it go.  Let it go, dear heart and free yourself from all of the guilt and shame that has burdened you.
xo

And Mother Earth steps in to hold me and my baby son in her gentle arms.  She allows me to rest in her loving supportive care.  I surrender.  I rest.  I let go.  And all of the compassion that I have been wanting, needing, yet not able to accept bursts forward from my heart and spreads out to all my cells like a shower of fire and light.  The message is:  It is okay.  You are safe.  You are loved.  And I am finally able to allow this to flow.  I offer myself compassion for all that I have gone through in this journey.  I forgive myself.  I am free.

A. xo

Strength - Remembering who I am....

In my healing circle classes, I usually share something about my own learning and experience.  I truly believe that we teach what we know and that we gain so much wisdom from our life struggles.  It always surprises me when a patient or participant in one of my healing circles shares with me that they has this impression of me that I am "healed".  This gives me a good laugh as some days it feels like I have lifetimes of healing to go. 

My intention of writing this blog and my honesty in my circles is to share that we are all on this (sometimes crazy) healing journey together.  We all struggle.  We all have moments in time when we forget who we truly are. We have all been there.  This post birth experience of separating my pelvis is only a mere fraction of what many people have to go through in their lives.  Even though it has been a difficult time, I am fortunate that this is all that I have had to deal with.

However, it has not been a piece of cake for me.  The hardest part?  I thought I lost myself.

In the last couple of weeks, I have gone through the most intense highs and lows that I have ever experienced.  One moment I would be gazing at my gorgeous babe and the next I would be sobbing in the bathroom.  I have done physical pain.  I know what that is like.  I have not done physical pain mixed with post partum emotions.  This was new territory.

Where was the healer who knew how to connect to her divine healing ability within?  Where was the woman who knew that her angels, guides and animal spirits were always around her to help?  Where was the person who could have clarity and wisdom for her patients?  Where the heck did she go?  My wounding of being extremely hard on myself was increasing at exponential rates and I had no clue how to stop it.  No clue.  I felt like Humpty Dumpty who had physically and emotionally broken into a million pieces.  Until today.

Today, during a session with the most incredible Osteopath (Ryan Richardson) - I had a breakthrough.  This breakthrough has been coming to me in small glimpses over the weekend.  I was starting to see the light. Starting to reconnect and revitalize.  But today...there was true grace.

One of my favorite healing journeys to facilitate for myself and my clients is to re-connect to our authentic selves.  To journey to them, call them forward and receive all of the messages they have to offer us.

When I have done this in the past, I would see a woman, dancing with a Rainbow Skirt.  At times she would be playing with many children, at other times, with many animals.  She was flowing, gentle, peaceful and free.  But today, a much different version of my authentic self appeared.

She was a warrior.

She was strong.

She had a look of determination on her face.

And flashes of the past three weeks moved through my awareness. 

Birthing my baby boy, moving in and out of bed in the hospital, getting up the stairs upon coming home from the hospital, moving to and from the bathroom...and so much more.  And I heard my husband's voice telling my baby boy: "Look at how strong your mommy is..."  How *strong* your mommy is.  Strong?  Have you seen my biceps?  Have you tuned into my sensitive soul?  I am not strong...

And it hit me.  Strong is not a word that I have ever used to describe myself.  And warrior?  No way.

But there was a new part of me that was emerging that I had forgotten.  The pieces were truly being put back together.  As the Osteopath worked on my physical body, I could feel my pelvic bone shifting back into place, remembering where it was supposed to be, remembering what it was supposed to do.

And as he worked through my energy field, I could feel my authentic spirit remembering how strong she is, remembering how resislient, remembering...that she *is* warrior.

Today I share this newly discovered piece of myself with the world.  I stand strong in who I am and in the resilience of the human body and spirit.  I root this strength deep into my body, grounding it into every cell, tissue and organ.

And I heal.  Just a little bit more.

A. xo

Gratitude

Since my last post, precious baby Kai finally decided to come to his mama. Yup.  Kai truly came on his own time.  And he really did wait until the last possible moment. Despite all of the doubting, pitocin-loving doctors and nurses, he came all on his own.  My last post was about patience, and this wee miracle continues to teach me about this, in so many ways.

As any new mom will tell you, it has been quite a journey.  I truly honour every beautiful mother's birth story as you can never understand the depth of sacredness that the experience of birthing a child brings to you, until you do it yourself. I am still too close to the whole experience to share my birth story but know that one day it will be part of my healing to do so. 

The part I will share is that during labor, I separated my pelvis.  Who knew this could even happen?  Not me.  I have heard my share of birth "horror stories" and for some reason, I had not heard of this before.  Not that hearing about it would have made it any easier.  It has been excruciating. 

The doctors say it takes 6-8 weeks to heal and that it will heal with time.  Three weeks in, I can say that this is true.  I am finally starting to get around a little easier and each step is a huge accomplishment.  I will never, ever take stepping into the shower for granted again.  I will never, ever take getting in and out of bed or getting to the bathroom, or soon, walking to pick up my baby boy for granted again.  I am so grateful for my body's innate ability to heal this as I trust it is doing, every second of every day.

But the intention of this post is not about the pain.  It is about gratitude.  Gratitude for the people that surround me and the abundance of love and support that has been unconditionally sent my way.

For the beautiful souls that made me juices and smoothies, lasagnas, salads, sushi and muffins so that I could be nourished and my body could be at it's optimal state to heal, I thank you.

For the beautiful, incredible healers and dear friends who have made home visits and offered distance healing and messages of light and love, I thank you.

For the people who sent flowers, gifts or phoned and texted to see how I was doing, I thank you.

For the pep talks from other beautiful mamas through messages and blog posts, I thank you.

For my incredible friends and friends of friends, sister and cousin who pumped breastmilk for me when my body was in a state of trauma, I thank you.

For the amazing, caring, sensitive breastfeeding support, I thank you.

To my mother and mother-in-law, who selflessly offered up their whole beings to continuously clean my home, cook for me and basically take care of every need, I thank you.

To my father-in-law who changed Kai's diaper when his mommy couldn't get up to do it herself, I thank you.  I also greatly appreciate all of the outside work and cleanup you did for us.

To the bestest friends a girl could ever ask for - thank you for answering my (often) hysterical phone calls.  I love you with more love than my heart can hold.

And to my husband.  My generous, kind, amazing husband.  I never knew what unconditional love truly was until Kai was born.  You have stepped up into the daddy that I always knew you would be.  You have taken care of me and our child in more ways than I could have ever known was possible.  I look forward to you teaching me all of your little tricks about how you change diapers and clothing so darn fast.  I love you.

With all of my heart.  Friends and family...I am so grateful.  True abundance has been showered upon me and my family.  I feel like the luckiest woman in the universe.  May you all be blessed with a million fold of blessings for all that you have gifted to me. 

With love, always,
Asha xo

Patience

Baby Kai is now "officially" 1 week over due based on the doctor's estimations, which basically means, well, nothing in my opinion.  It is simply an estimation and although I am so ready to meet this precious soul, I have had so much healing and insight come to me in this week of "waiting".  

The statistics say that fewer than 5% of babes actually come on their due date, so aside from my frequent washroom visits, I am in a place of peace and joy about it all.  Now, if you know me well, I am a very "go with the flow and trust that everything is going to work out" type of person, which seems to trigger lots of interesting comments from observers.

I've had the "you can't be pregnant forever!" and " aren't you worried about him getting too big?" and "well, do you really want a c-section?" just to name a few comments.  And I take these comments openly into my heart as it challenges me to re-examine my beliefs about the miraculous workings of our bodies. 

2 years ago a Rheumatologist specializing in high risk pregnancies told that he was "giving me the big red light" on trying to have a baby.  That my body could not sustain a pregnancy, that my Lupus antibodies were too high and there was no way that I could try to have a baby.  Let's just say that I did not go back to see him, however I was thinking about those comments this week and how miraculous our bodies are.

It is a divine miracle that my body could conceive this baby, it is a divine miracle that my body has created this perfect soul.  And it will be a divine miracle when he and my body work together to decide the perfect time to come.  Truly. This week has shown me just how much I do trust in my body's inherent wisdom and grace.  It has shown me that no matter how many times the word "induction" is said, that I can look into my heart and know that this is not the way, for me.  And that is perfect.

Something that occurred to me today is how my healing has come full circle in this week of patiently waiting.  If you have read some of my other posts, I have spoken about my wounding around not "doing enough" and how I have pushed myself endlessly to work harder, to speed up - never allowing myself the rest I deserved.  Well, baby Kai has given me this precious gift.  An extra week to rest, his wee spirit saying "Mom, what's the rush?"  A similar message given to me years ago is now coming back through this beautiful baby of mine.  I am so blessed.

I found this poem today that I thought was so beautiful and wanted to share it:

Waiting

Dear Baby, here beneath my heart,
I thought you might come today;
the timing seemed just right.

But the stars are out
And the moon is high
And sheepishly I wonder why
I try to arrange the plans
Of God

For now I know
You will not come
Until the one who holds eternity
Rustles your soft cocoon
And whispers in tones that I will not hear,
"It's time, precious gift."

Now it's time.

Robin Jones Gunn

Teachings For Kai

Lately I have been acutely aware that all that I have learned in my life will be passed along to future generations. When we have children, we have this incredible potential to pass along all of the wisdom that we have gained through our mistakes and learnings.

Today I sit in deep gratitude for all that life has presented so that I can impart some of the wisdom that I have gained. It is my hope that this will be carried forward to the future generations. My precious son will be born to a mother who has transmuted some of her deepest pain into love and wisdom. She still has a long way to go, so much more to heal - a lifetime of continuous learning.

These are the things that my heart aches for him to know, deep within his being. Things that I will share from my soul to his in those precious moments of nurturing and loving all that he is. These 9 months have felt like a time of integration. Like all of the healing work I have consciously done in the past 12 years has culminated into this magical moment of creation. I am birthing this baby, but I am also birthing a more healed version of myself. For this, and so much more, I am grateful.

Dearest Kai, Sacred Child. These are my teachings for you. I know there will be many more and more importantly, that you will teach me more than I could have every imagined. This is only the beginning...

1. Trust in your heart's wisdom and intuition. You always know what is best for you and have this amazing divine, inherent knowing within you. Respect that others also know what is best for them. That *gut* feeling that you get? Those butterflies in your stomach? That fluttering in your heart? Go with it and you will live an authentic life.

2. We are all one. Remember that when someone hurts you, triggers or upsets you that it is a perfect opportunity for you to look at yourself. There will be many mirrors for you to gaze into in your life. People will reflect to you what needs to be healed in you. They will also reflect your beauty and magnificence. Take notice. Heal what needs to be healed and you will save yourself much heartache.

3. Follow the Seven Grandfather Teachings of our people and you will never go wrong. Wisdom, Respect, Love, Humility, Bravery, Honesty and Truth. Know that the animals, the trees, the water, the earth are just as precious as you are. Treat them as such. I will never enforce any religion in our home. However, I will teach you to to walk the ways of our people with these teachings as I feel that they are universal and can apply to all.

4. You are perfect in your imperfections. You are always loveable and divine. Every single day of your life, you are as perfect as the day you were born. Precious, whole, sparkling perfection. This is who you are. Never forget it.

5. You are one with creation, a magical being. You have all of the power within *you* to manifest all of your dreams and visions. Abundance surrounds you everywhere and is available to you, always. Your mother believes that gratitude is the gateway to abundance. Be authentically grateful and your life will be so very blessed.

6. Your body has an amazing ability to heal itself. It is all knowing, all powerful. Your mommy has seen miraculous things happen when people remember this. You will see the magic when you cut yourself for the first time and it heals within days. All of your organs, tissues, joints, muscles and systems work the exact same way. All they need are gentle reminders.

7. "In the end, only kindness matters..." Jewel said it best. Be kind. See kindness in the world, let it open and touch your heart daily and the world will reflect all of this kindness back to you.

8. Always do you best and know that every day, your best changes. When you make mistakes (and you will...your momma has made lots!), forgive yourself, be gentle on yourself and know that you will learn great things from these situations and that you are beautifully human.

9. When someone says that you have let them down or disappointed them, please know that if you followed your truth and your deepest knowing, that it is perfect. Others will be disappointed based on their own expectations of you. Their own attachments. Let that go, honour yourself and know that you did not disappoint the most important person. You.

10. Every thought you think, every word you speak, every energy that you expose yourself to matters. Choose wisely. We are all energy and vibration. Be conscious of this. Speak your truth. Respect other's truth. Think positively. Create healed outcomes. Continue to see the world through your beautiful child eyes. And dream. Dream your heart's biggest, most magical wishes into being. Because it is *all* possible. Mommy has seen it. She lives it... in the creation of you.

A. xo

Whispers of Creation

As the days of this pregnancy are coming to an end, I am reflective. I have not written since I found out that I was pregnant. I have been in a state of nurturing my spirit and that of my unborn child. Going within. Hibernating. As the days have moved forward, the whispers have gotten more profound. "Rest, my beautiful mother" they say. "Take this sacred time for you and I to be in the Spirit of Creation". And the deepening of my healing continues. My womb space is nurturing the Spirit of Creation and I have never felt more connected and at peace.

I can say that the last 17 years have felt like a life time of healing. There have been many times that I was not sure that being in this body this time around was the right thing for me. Lately, I have connected to a deep amount of compassion for my body. No"body" should have to endure all of that suffering. I realize how this unbalanced warrior part of me has always just said it was okay, that I am okay. I have pushed myself through the pain, never stopping to offer my body the smallest amount of compassion and love to stop and rest.

But there has been a discernible shift. The whispers of creation have sprinkled their magic. I am 34 weeks into nurturing a sacred child. A little boy. He is a miracle healer. His magical essence has brought me grace. He has taught me the importance of nurturing myself. I get it. I get it. Finally, I get it.

I was driving with my husband last weekend and I was being my usual loquacious Gemini self when he all of a sudden stopped me in my tracks and expressed to me how I have been a master at wearing a mask in my life. This statement came as a surprise to me as he rarely shares his innermost thoughts. He is what some would call the "strong, silent type", so his words were quite profound in that moment and really made me think. Why did I feel that it was so necessary to always pretend that I was okay? Even when I felt like I was going to die. How is this okay?

2010 was a year that I did not think I would make it. Very few people know that I could not get off the couch without his help, that I couldn't hold a pen or walk up the stairs without cringing in pain. The pain was...excruciating. Yet, I still worked like a maniac, socialized and pretty much filled my schedule up to avoid resting. And my body was screaming to be heard.

October 2010 comes around and I finally decide to take a cortisone shot and a month off of work. Sane people would have done this a year ago, but I chose to suffer. To me, the cortisone shot and taking time off meant that I failed at my healing. That all of the time, heart and soul that I have put into healing myself had not worked.

Yet, what I didn't know was that this was a form of surrender. And surrender heals. It allows for integration, it allows for breath, it allows for rest. Surrender is miraculous. And I fought it every step of the way.

Fast forward to August 2011 and I find out that I am pregnant. In an instant, I knew that this child would bring my body immense healing. My doctor, was not so convinced. Faced with a high risk pregnancy, my doctors have been, well, a little crazy. Every appointment, I was faced with the following messages:

"Lupus causes miscarriages...You have elevated antibodies that could cause blood clots in your placenta...You are not out of miscarriage territory yet...Lupus scares me, it is a horrible, mysterious disease...You need 13 more ultrasounds to make sure your baby isn't stillborn...you are testing positive for antibodies that could damage the baby's heart." Fear. Fear. Fear. So much fear. These statements would challenge my own belief systems about "my" Lupus.

I finally realized that absolutely none of this fear resonated with me. I was ready to give up that label and trust in my body's inherent vitality and power to heal. I would imagine my baby boy in my arms, big and healthy - intuitively knowing that all was well.

At the last appointment he finally lightened up and said "Well, admittedly, you have sailed through this pregnancy". For the "eternal pessimist" of a doctor (his words) I have to say that this felt really beautiful for him to admit. Not in that "I always knew it" kind of way, but more in what this meant for my body, for my healing journey.

The medical experts say that many women will go into "remission" from Lupus during their pregnancy. Some may say that this is what has happened for me. But I choose to think differently about this.

The child within me is divine. He is more perfect than anything I could have ever imagined. Until he was in my womb, I did not truly connect to what "divine perfection" was. This miraculous vibration is growing inside of me, constantly reminding me of who I am, who I was. Disease free and pain free. Completely deserving of love, self care, rest, joy, health and so much more. This pure source vibration is a daily reminder of my own perfection. And I heal. My body heals. My heart heals. My soul heals. This is not "remission", it is my truth. And this baby is simply reminding me. And his light has expanded so brightly in my essence that there is no longer room for "Lupus". There is only room for my true self.

I am love. I am light. I am healed. I am free. I am beauty. I am grace.

Yes, indeed. This baby is my miracle healer. I am so lucky to be his mother.

And the Spirit of Creation whispers:

"There is no more Lupus. There is only love, Healing Rainbow Woman, only love."

A. xo