Strength - Remembering who I am....

In my healing circle classes, I usually share something about my own learning and experience.  I truly believe that we teach what we know and that we gain so much wisdom from our life struggles.  It always surprises me when a patient or participant in one of my healing circles shares with me that they has this impression of me that I am "healed".  This gives me a good laugh as some days it feels like I have lifetimes of healing to go. 

My intention of writing this blog and my honesty in my circles is to share that we are all on this (sometimes crazy) healing journey together.  We all struggle.  We all have moments in time when we forget who we truly are. We have all been there.  This post birth experience of separating my pelvis is only a mere fraction of what many people have to go through in their lives.  Even though it has been a difficult time, I am fortunate that this is all that I have had to deal with.

However, it has not been a piece of cake for me.  The hardest part?  I thought I lost myself.

In the last couple of weeks, I have gone through the most intense highs and lows that I have ever experienced.  One moment I would be gazing at my gorgeous babe and the next I would be sobbing in the bathroom.  I have done physical pain.  I know what that is like.  I have not done physical pain mixed with post partum emotions.  This was new territory.

Where was the healer who knew how to connect to her divine healing ability within?  Where was the woman who knew that her angels, guides and animal spirits were always around her to help?  Where was the person who could have clarity and wisdom for her patients?  Where the heck did she go?  My wounding of being extremely hard on myself was increasing at exponential rates and I had no clue how to stop it.  No clue.  I felt like Humpty Dumpty who had physically and emotionally broken into a million pieces.  Until today.

Today, during a session with the most incredible Osteopath (Ryan Richardson) - I had a breakthrough.  This breakthrough has been coming to me in small glimpses over the weekend.  I was starting to see the light. Starting to reconnect and revitalize.  But today...there was true grace.

One of my favorite healing journeys to facilitate for myself and my clients is to re-connect to our authentic selves.  To journey to them, call them forward and receive all of the messages they have to offer us.

When I have done this in the past, I would see a woman, dancing with a Rainbow Skirt.  At times she would be playing with many children, at other times, with many animals.  She was flowing, gentle, peaceful and free.  But today, a much different version of my authentic self appeared.

She was a warrior.

She was strong.

She had a look of determination on her face.

And flashes of the past three weeks moved through my awareness. 

Birthing my baby boy, moving in and out of bed in the hospital, getting up the stairs upon coming home from the hospital, moving to and from the bathroom...and so much more.  And I heard my husband's voice telling my baby boy: "Look at how strong your mommy is..."  How *strong* your mommy is.  Strong?  Have you seen my biceps?  Have you tuned into my sensitive soul?  I am not strong...

And it hit me.  Strong is not a word that I have ever used to describe myself.  And warrior?  No way.

But there was a new part of me that was emerging that I had forgotten.  The pieces were truly being put back together.  As the Osteopath worked on my physical body, I could feel my pelvic bone shifting back into place, remembering where it was supposed to be, remembering what it was supposed to do.

And as he worked through my energy field, I could feel my authentic spirit remembering how strong she is, remembering how resislient, remembering...that she *is* warrior.

Today I share this newly discovered piece of myself with the world.  I stand strong in who I am and in the resilience of the human body and spirit.  I root this strength deep into my body, grounding it into every cell, tissue and organ.

And I heal.  Just a little bit more.

A. xo

Gratitude

Since my last post, precious baby Kai finally decided to come to his mama. Yup.  Kai truly came on his own time.  And he really did wait until the last possible moment. Despite all of the doubting, pitocin-loving doctors and nurses, he came all on his own.  My last post was about patience, and this wee miracle continues to teach me about this, in so many ways.

As any new mom will tell you, it has been quite a journey.  I truly honour every beautiful mother's birth story as you can never understand the depth of sacredness that the experience of birthing a child brings to you, until you do it yourself. I am still too close to the whole experience to share my birth story but know that one day it will be part of my healing to do so. 

The part I will share is that during labor, I separated my pelvis.  Who knew this could even happen?  Not me.  I have heard my share of birth "horror stories" and for some reason, I had not heard of this before.  Not that hearing about it would have made it any easier.  It has been excruciating. 

The doctors say it takes 6-8 weeks to heal and that it will heal with time.  Three weeks in, I can say that this is true.  I am finally starting to get around a little easier and each step is a huge accomplishment.  I will never, ever take stepping into the shower for granted again.  I will never, ever take getting in and out of bed or getting to the bathroom, or soon, walking to pick up my baby boy for granted again.  I am so grateful for my body's innate ability to heal this as I trust it is doing, every second of every day.

But the intention of this post is not about the pain.  It is about gratitude.  Gratitude for the people that surround me and the abundance of love and support that has been unconditionally sent my way.

For the beautiful souls that made me juices and smoothies, lasagnas, salads, sushi and muffins so that I could be nourished and my body could be at it's optimal state to heal, I thank you.

For the beautiful, incredible healers and dear friends who have made home visits and offered distance healing and messages of light and love, I thank you.

For the people who sent flowers, gifts or phoned and texted to see how I was doing, I thank you.

For the pep talks from other beautiful mamas through messages and blog posts, I thank you.

For my incredible friends and friends of friends, sister and cousin who pumped breastmilk for me when my body was in a state of trauma, I thank you.

For the amazing, caring, sensitive breastfeeding support, I thank you.

To my mother and mother-in-law, who selflessly offered up their whole beings to continuously clean my home, cook for me and basically take care of every need, I thank you.

To my father-in-law who changed Kai's diaper when his mommy couldn't get up to do it herself, I thank you.  I also greatly appreciate all of the outside work and cleanup you did for us.

To the bestest friends a girl could ever ask for - thank you for answering my (often) hysterical phone calls.  I love you with more love than my heart can hold.

And to my husband.  My generous, kind, amazing husband.  I never knew what unconditional love truly was until Kai was born.  You have stepped up into the daddy that I always knew you would be.  You have taken care of me and our child in more ways than I could have ever known was possible.  I look forward to you teaching me all of your little tricks about how you change diapers and clothing so darn fast.  I love you.

With all of my heart.  Friends and family...I am so grateful.  True abundance has been showered upon me and my family.  I feel like the luckiest woman in the universe.  May you all be blessed with a million fold of blessings for all that you have gifted to me. 

With love, always,
Asha xo