Reflections of Hope

Tonight I am hopeful. As I close my eyes I see beautiful rainbow arches lining my destiny path. I am standing at the entrance, hesitant to take a step.

I am entering Week Three of my time off. It has been quite the journey. I thought I'd be better at this. I laugh at myself as I realize that I have been trying to be "perfect" at resting. The learning continues and I am grateful. My body is so precious. It speaks very loudly and I am finally listening. With each step I take to honour it, it rewards me with a reduction in pain. Brilliant.

Tonight I received a burst of hope from my Naturopath. She is also an incredible Homeopath and I have much respect for her, often sitting in awe of all of the wisdom she carries. She has come up with a new remedy for me. And when I find out what it is, I feel this amazing resonance with the medicine. I just *know* that this is going to shift this pain. I can literally feel it in my aching bones and joints. I am hopeful again.

Hope. My name means Hope.

A wise elder wrote me a special e-mail this week. She spoke about how my name was not given to me so that I could give away all of my Hope to others, but rather it was representative of who I am, simply by being. That when I was born, it was the Spirit of Hope that reflected from my essence and thus, the name Asha was given.

"Hope was your identity the moment you were born and had nothing to do with your ability to heal others - except for your mother, who received healing the moment they put you in my arms." My beautiful mother is the wisest elder I know.

Somewhere between my birth and adulthood, there was a misunderstanding. I have lived my life giving away pieces of myself and now I call those pieces back. Slowly, they come back to me, one spectrum of light at a time.

My mother wisely pointed out that on the day of my naming, I received a new identity and a new start. On that day, I was re-born.

Nodwe Wahkahghano Kwe Ndishnikaaz - My name is Healing Rainbow Woman.

This new name reminds me to call back all of my light, colour and vibrancy to myself. That the primary focus on this lifetime is to heal myself, because, ultimately, as I heal, the rainbow glows brighter.

Tonight, I continue to move through the transition of Hope to the manifestation of Rainbow Light. I trust that the homeopathic remedy that I will take will unfold the next part of my healing journey. Who knows what this will be, but the eternal optimist in me believes that the physical pain will shift.

And so I jump headfirst into those Rainbow Arches lining my path and they shift into hoops of magnificent coloured light. My beautiful ancestors hold sacred space on this Rainbow Road and I pray to them:

Grandmothers and Grandfathers, please help me, I cannot take this pain anymore, it's too much.

And they answer:

"You are a healer of your own life. This is your only responsibility."

And my light shines brighter.

A. xo

Wisdom

As I sit here to write this, I welcome the Grandmother energy - Aanii Nokomis, Meegwetch - I am grateful. As I welcome them in, tears stream down my face as I am certain that my ancestors are present, witnessing each baby step that I make towards my becoming.

My becoming. 10 years ago, at the beginning of this conscious spiritual path, a healer asked me "What's the rush, dearest one?" Wise question. The "rush" is the wound and sadly, this wounded part of myself has been operating ever since. Upon deeper investigation, this wound was attached to a contract:

"If I stop, I will die".

When I go within to witness this wound, I see a cheerleader who looks like she's had one too many Redbulls. There is an innate belief system operating that I must do it all, hold it all together - even when my body is literally screaming out in pain and telling me to stop.

Wise body.

My cells, tissues, organs and joints are brilliantly wise. They know exactly what they need. They began whispering in April and have progressed to using their outdoor voice. In the past they would give me a break so I could regenerate and rejeuvenate.

No more. Their message is loud and clear. Stop!

And 6 months later (guilty shrug), I am listening.

I am taking time off. I am taking time off. OMG. I am taking time off. One whole month. I know this may not seem like a big deal for most, as it would make sense that time for healing and resting is imperative. But for the woman who pushes herself to keep going, this decision has definitely been a work in progress.

Finally! Says my body, echoing the sentiments of my friends and family. Yet, with that wound always operating in the background, it was impossible for me to make this decision. At least... it felt impossible.

Years ago, when I first read Heal Your Body by Louise Hay, I resonated with the mental "cause" of Lupus:

"Rather die than stand up for themselves."

At the time, this was about opening my throat chakra and speaking my truth and honouring my boundaries. As healing evolves, so does the resonance with this statement. Standing up for myself is now about taking this time to rest and heal.

October 2010 will be the 6 year anniversary of my business. Rest and healing will be a wonderful way to celebrate.

My body has held this wisdom all along. I am sorry beautiful body for not listening sooner. I am grateful, beautiful body for all of your messages. I promise to honour you with unconditional love and nurture from this day forward.

I envision an October filled with fresh juices and soups. With walks in the sacred forest, breathing in the fresh, crisp air. Time for deep meditation and healing. Time to work on my meditation CD. Time to organize and clear out clutter. Time for me. Time for love, peace and sacredness.

And the grandmothers gather. "We honour you grandaughter, as you honour your body. We pave the way for this transition to unfold with ease and light."

And my scared little voice and heart, who is creating a new way of being, answers: I hope so Nokomis. I hope so.

A. xo

Humility

From the Anishinaabe understanding, Humility is to know yourself as a Sacred part of Creation. In my life, I am constantly inspired by the humble people that surround me. Those who are deeply connected to their light source and beautifully shine this without the need to boast or prove who they are. I am lucky enough to have this teaching modelled to me in my dear friends and colleagues and strive to reflect this teaching back to the earth as I learn and grow.

It occurred to me today how I have been resisting fully embracing this teaching. Recently, an article was written about my work in the local paper. After the interview, I was unsure as to how the information would be interpreted and expressed. I had no idea that the writer would focus on my own healing journey with Lupus and when I read it, there was this sudden panic that now this information was "out there".

My healing journey is not something I necessarily hide, but it is not revealed to many. Upon deeper examination, I realized that there is this expectation that I have placed upon myself that I must be completely healed to facilitate healing. I understand that there is consciousness around us all being on a healing journey, that none of us are completely "healed". However, with a physical illness it is much more evident. There is physical evidence that my wounds are not healed. At my most self-critical, harsh place, it feels like I am not or have not done enough.

And now...this was revealed to the community at large.

The breaking down begins.

Breaking down of old belief systems that I have been holding so tightly. That, somehow, I am not perfect because I struggle with this dis "ease". That I have to keep pushing myself even though my body is tired and achy and in pain. That I am not entitled to rest and take time for myself. I know it sounds crazy from the outside, but alas, it is one of my deepest, most profound issues to heal.

A healer had once asked me if I felt that I deserved Abundance. We went through a check list of sorts. Money - yes. Business success - yes. Love - yes. Friendships - yes. Health...

Health...

Do I deserve good health? Logically yes, but do my spirit and body agree? No. He was a good tracker. This was a key wound.

A few nights ago, I was away at a magical cottage with two very dear friends and colleagues. It was such a gift to spend time with these women taking in nature and honouring ourselves with rest and fun. As these precious beings are very intuitive and gifted, they could tell that I was suffering and offered me healing, even though it was close to midnight!

The breakdown started. I could literally feel all of my defenses and barriers blasting apart. Tears started to flow with the simple suggestion that they could offer me some healing. To accept would mean that I need help. And, indeed, I needed help. I realized, in that moment, that it takes a humble person to admit they need help. Yes, I book appointments with other practitioners and do my own healing work, but in the moments that seem the darkest...when I feel like I cannot do this any longer, exist in this world in this state - can I ask for help? In that moment, the answer was yes.

A teaching in humility.

A beautiful healing followed and I understood on a deeper level that I am, indeed a Sacred part of Creation. I deserve rest and healing. I deserve goodness in this lifetime. I deserve health. Health is at the forefront of this abundance that I am intending on manifesting.I am aware that part of sharing this is part of the ego and resistance breaking down. We are all human. We are all here learning from our most difficult experiences and one another and doing our very best.

In these moments of awareness Swan medicine stepped forward:

"Allow yourself to surrender to the moment, release all struggle. Be kind to your heart and gentle to your body. Forgive yourself for all of the times you have made mistakes, for you are a beautiful human being."

From these words, I set the intention to walk with grace and humility each and every day. And when I fall off the path, I know that there are many people who surround me to call me back. To remind me of what I deserve.

Spirit also calls me back.

The other night, at the magical cottage, we witnessed more shooting stars than I could have ever wished to see in one night. The Star People were speaking to my soul. They reminded me that we have the potential to illuminate our lives with joy, magic, unconditional love and a healed body. Miracles all around. I trust this with all of my heart. My body is simply taking time to catch up.

I am a Sacred Part of Divine Creation. We all are. I hold in my heart that all of my loved ones and clients see this in themselves as I hold in my heart for me to see it in myself.

And then tonight, in a purely human moment of eating Chinese Food - the perfect message came from a fortune cookie:

"Good health will be yours for a long time."

Indeed.

A. xo

Truth

The teaching of truth is one that I have been contemplating as of late. The teachings tell us that truth -Debwewin - speaks of walking in a way in which you are not deceiving yourself or others.

Deceiving others, lying. We've all done it. White lie, black lie, multi-coloured lie. It's all the same and it is part of the human process of learning to speak our truth and be honest with others.

Deceiving ourselves seems to be a whole different ball game. Some call it denial or resistance to seeing the truth. Often times it keeps us from healing the deepest wounds that we carry. Through some recent healing work, I can see that this is the next step of my journey. Where have I been deceiving myself?

A year ago, I received my spirit name. It started off as a simple request to my Grandfather. I envisioned it to be a small ceremony with my mother, grandfather and I. The expansion of this vision came when my in-laws found out. Suddenly there were ideas of Mazel Tov proportions. Most of which involved food. Yummy food. Of course.

I was truly blessed to have extended family so interested in this day. The ceremony was beautiful. My Grandfather called to our ancestors in our language to receive the name. Hawk appeared and sat for the entire ceremony watching, protecting our sacred space. And then it came: Naandawi waagikagaan Kwe

Healing Rainbow Woman

Just a few months before, I had done a journey to find my authentic self and she was wearing a beautiful rainbow coloured skirt. She was twirling, spinning and dancing amongst many children. When I heard my name I thought back to that journey and tears sprung into my eyes. This was the next step of connecting to my truth, my authentic self. This name resonated and spoke to many parts of my soul.

I had waited for a naming ceremony until I felt ready. I wanted to truly embody the essence of this sacred name. To carry healing forward for my ancestors and to inspire my children's children.

I contemplated truth. The truth of who we are as spiritual beings in these human forms. The truth of my spirit. Beautiful and perfect in all of her being-ness. And for that day, when I received that name, I could feel it. It resonated through every single cell of my being. Healing Rainbow Woman. This is my truth.

Today I sit in sadness as I see that this truth has slowly fallen away. It has become distorted and wounded. I have been deceiving myself.

For the past couple of months I have been experiencing lots of physical pain. It has been longer and more intense than ever before. I have done all of the "right" things. Cleansed, juiced, spiritual healings, remedies, supplements, meditation. Yet, it is stuck. I am stuck.

And today there was this realization.

I have forgotten my truth. This pain is an illusion. It signifies and represents the unhealed parts of me. It is simply a symptom of a deeper issue waiting to be discovered. In no way does it define me. In no way is it my truth.

So, tonight I find my way back to Healing Rainbow Woman. She is dancing in the stars, her skirt flowing and shimmering a magnitude of colour and vibration.

I am honoured to carry her within. I re-connect. From this moment forward, I walk in my truth. I remember.

My name is Healing Rainbow Woman.

A. xo

Bravery

"Something has changed within me

Something is not the same

I'm tired of playing by the rules

Of someone else's game

Too late for second guessing

Too late to go back to sleep

It's time to trust my instincts

To close my eyes and leap

It's time to try defying gravity

I think I'll try defying gravity

Kiss me good bye, I'm defying gravity

And you won't bring me down!

I'm through accepting limits

'Cause someone says they're so

Some things I cannot change

But 'till I try, I'll never know!

Too long I've been afraid of

Losing love, I guess I've lost

Well, if that's love

It comes at much too high a cost..."

Defying Gravity - Wicked

A year ago, I was finishing up an intensive 2 year course. The teachings were beautiful, the personal healing and growth that I experienced were unlike anything I had ever gone through in my life thus far. I would leave these intensive weekends, spiritually wiped out. Going deeper than I ever have before, healing wounds that I had hidden so well. It was excruciating and exhilarating all at once!

Nearing the end of my studies, I was being asked to begin hosting healing circles. I had facilitated meditation groups, which including healing techniques for the past 2 years, now my clients were asking for more. Something deeper.

I have to admit that this made me nervous as it was stepping out of my comfort zone, but I had made a resolution with myself that year that I was going to try and step out of my comfort zone weekly, so this was a perfect opportunity.

The week before the circle date, I received an e-mail from my teacher, sent out to the class. It stated that we, as students, were not "ready" to host healing circles. That this takes years of practice and that we could not possibly be able to hold space for that many people.

This felt like a knife in my heart. My ego was bruised, I was deeply hurt, angry and I have to admit, a little defiant. I examined it from all angles. Was this my truth? Was I really not "ready"? Who decides this? Was spirit truly calling me to do this? Or was I doing this from an ego place?

In my wounded state, my little girl self stepped forward. The one who always follows the rules, doesn't disappoint others and pleases everyone other than herself. She will bow down and cancel this circle because her teacher must know what is better for her than she does. Her own knowing and intuition mean nothing. She is not wise or gifted enough to do this. She is not enough, not enough, not enough...

Eagle medicine stepped in to intervene. "Tune into your heart dearest one..." he whispered, "What is spirit guiding you to do? Are you going to step up for yourself? How much longer are you going to stay small? Oppressed...Suppressed... "

From a healed place, the answer was easy. I had 30 people signed up for this circle. There was no way I was cancelling it based on someone else's words and assessment. At that time, I connected to the beautiful poem The Invitation, by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. "It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul, if you can be faithless and therefore, trustworthy". This particular part spoke deeply to my soul.

The circle ended up being beautiful. Not because I was facilitating it, but rather because of all of the magnificent people who showed up to share in healing, love and oneness. So much was gifted to me that day and I had my teacher to thank. He taught me so much more than either of us had bargained for. By challenging me, he showed me that I am able to put myself first, to disappoint others to be there for me.

He did not respond well to this and after other similar challenges, even more was revealed to me and I realized that it was time to step up into my Medicines. It was time to use my courage and step out of this box that was seemingly becoming controlling and ego based. If I stayed here, I realized that I would always be under someones judgement and control - so I flew, like the Eagle medicine that helped me to be brave, I flew and left the course right before it ended. A difficult decision for the woman who always finishes what she starts.

It was definitely an unpopular choice to leave. Who leaves at the very end? I was judged, questioned, gossiped about. All of my worst fears coming true!

And here it was - the biggest lesson of all. I saw that in choosing me, none of that mattered. In choosing me, I heal, I am Eagle, I am free.

A. xo

Love

It has been said that there are Seven teachings the Grandfathers have given the Anishinaabe people. Love, Wisdom, Respect, Courage, Respect, Humility and Truth. In my humble opinion, I believe that all peoples across this earth, not just the Anishinaabe people, strive to walk these teachings in their own way or interpretation.

As an Ojibway woman, my mother did speak of these teachings as I grew up. She would tell me that the origin of the word Anishinaabe meant the "good" being. That we should walk the road that Creator gifted to us. This road, she would say, is always supported and guided by ancestors, spirit and our dreams. As I matured, I realized that the "good being" wasn't a judgement about good and bad, it was truly a reflection of walking the Grandfather Teachings as much as we can.

We do this as much as we can as we are perfect in our imperfection. We are spiritual beings having a human experience of learning and growth. I love Doreen Virtue's line about mistakes - "Mistakes require correction, not punishment". Gentleness and forgiveness for self is a vital part of coming into right relation with our spirit and soul's purpose. We do our best. And as a wise friend has reminded me, our best differs from day to day.

This all hit me today as I reflected on the teaching of Love. A very special friend bought me a Spa Day for my Birthday. She had carefully and lovingly chosen a Rose Massage for me as well as a treatment with her. 2 hours, just for me. A heavenly gift.

As I walked into the room for the massage today, it smelled divine. The scent of roses was in the room with the pure, loving vibration of the oil pulsating through the air. As I laid myself down, I felt tears spring into my eyes. There was so much love that surrounded me in this moment. This expression of love, as a gift, the self-love it took to receive and the vibration of love that was moving through every cell of my body.

It was too much.

I know this may sound ridiculous, but it was in this moment and I felt so sad for myself. I have been spending so much time nurturing others that I have completely disconnected to what it feels like to truly just receive. Just lie there, on a table and have someone give to me. I had no idea how to do it "right". I felt like a 4 year old trying to ride a bike. How do I do this again? How do I just be, completely in this moment and just receive all of the goodness that I deserve?

Every day I have this issue mirrored to me. My beautiful clients that give too much, don't take time for themselves, push themselves into exhaustion. And well, here I was, smelling like a rose and processing all of healing that I have been oblvious to until this very moment. Oh, come on - haven't I dealt with this already? I thought. Same lesson, deeper layer, spirit whispered back.

The spirit of Deer leapt forward tonight in my reflections of my day. I have walked with Deer for many years and know that when she shows herself, there has been a shift in my awareness. Tonight, she reminds me to nurture my spirit, to love my body, to honour my heart's song, intuition and sensitivity. I ask for her medicine to flow through me. To forgive myself. To soften all of the harsh judgments that are not my truth. And she shows up. She always does.

Tonight, I sit here, full of gratitude for the amazing lessons that my beautiful friend gifted me with. The gift was so much deeper. It meant so much more than a day at the spa. I am so blessed.

And before I go to sleep, I thank all of the ancestors that guide my way, the dreams that teach me, the guides that protect and honour me. For they are teaching me to honour myself.

A. xo

Car accidents, Courage and Choices...

2 weeks ago I was in a car accident. The woman behind me said she hit the gas instead of the brake. Yup. That's what it felt like. Head hit steering wheel, knees hit dashboard, seatbelt cut across chest, ouch!

My first step, after dealing with the police and insurance mess was to take some remedies. Homeopathy helped me with the acute shock and pain and got me back in my body, thank goodness. Aconite, Arnica and Hypericum helped me to clear the shock, bruising and nerve pain I was experiencing.

Second step was to look at the lessons in all of this. It was nothing new. Balance. Take some time for you. Rest. Okay. Got it.

After the accident, some symptoms I have been experiencing have worsened. You see, I have been working on healing this dis "ease" named Lupus. It has been 15 years since the diagnosis. 12 since I started on this conscious healing journey. I still experience symptoms. Healing is truly a journey and a process.

Today I decide to go to the doctor. Doctor visits are very rare in my life and only happen when I am deep in my pain. I know the drill. And today was no different. I'm not even sure why I went. I showed the doctor my joints and he takes out his prescription pad. I am not surprised really. Why am I here again?

He asks me when the last time I saw my Rheumatologist was and I tell him it's been 2 years. I get a disapproving look and he says to me "Do you want medicine that keeps you sick or medicine that will work for you?" He knows I am a homeopath. This triggered me. Ah. My lesson. Here it was.

I told him that I was handling everything fine and just wanted an assessment for the accident and if everything looked okay from that perspective I would be on my way. He wished me luck and I was on my way.

Holding back tears on the way out, I felt defeated. This is unusual for me, so I knew there was something much deeper going on. And here, through my tears was the big lesson. Today was the day that I finally acknowledged how difficult it is to walk in my full truth.

To treat this dis "ease" naturally, to stand up to all of the countless physicians over the years and tell them, no thank you, I will not be taking the steroids/anti-malarial/anti-inflammatory drugs you are prescribing. I am too sensitive for this. This may be the way for others, but it is not my way, it is not my path.

It has taken a lot of courage. It is my choice. It is my body.

Today, I realized how difficult this has been. For a split second, I imagined what it would have been like to have chosen the other path. To be completely free of joint pain, to have clear skin free of lupus marks, to have more energy, to have more hair, less pain everywhere. I just want to be "normal" and I realize that part of my journey is to fully acknowlege how crappy this has been at times. Good bye eternal optomist, hello pity party. For these moments I sat in this awareness of the choices we make and why.

I know that the Creator has guided me on this path. That the ancestors bless every single step. My road is golden. I am so blessed. This illness has brought me so many lessons, so many teachings. I would not be doing what I am doing without experiencing what I have.

My dearest clients. I understand when you say that you don't feel beautiful. I understand when you say you are afraid of death. I know what it's like to live with a chronic disease. I know worry, I know fear, I know sadness and grief and anger.

I also know healing, grace, unconditional love, light and all of the gifts that come from courageously stepping up to heal your life. That dark pain is a gift. I've seen it, I've felt it. I know it.

I honour every single person who walks through my door and takes responsibility for their health. I witness courage every single day. Beautiful spirits who speak their truth, honour the whispers of their soul, walk their talk. I am constantly inspired. It takes courage to step out of the realm of the "ordinary". To truly listen to your heart. To honour your spirit.

Today I am finally seeing how courageous I have been in walking this path. Just as I honour my clients, I will honour myself today and I will continue to listen to that voice inside that tells me to trust that I am healing. I am almost there....

I trust.

Tales of a travelling homeopath

Peru 2010. What a trip! I have to admit that my travelling experience has been fairly limited. My trips usually include planes, food and treats all wrapped into one package. Peru was going to be different. No all inclusive, no chilling on the beach, no bikinis. This trip was definitely out of my comfort zone but my spirit was calling for change. For transformation. I felt that Peru could definitely hold space for this.

My travelling buddies were quite freaked out about all of the possible health issues that could arise during our travels. Some got vaccinated, others rushed to the health food store to clear the shelves of anti-bacterial/viral/fungal preparations and others just e-mailed me in their hypochondriac states asking me how I was going to "make it through". "Homeopathy, of course!" I would cheerfully reply.

I realized in that moment, just how lucky I was to have the knowledge and wisdom of homeopathy. I also realized how much implicit trust that I have in my body's wisdom to heal itself. I don't need to look outside of myself for this wisdom. It is all within me. And with the help of homeopathy, I trusted that all would be okay. My body would stay healthy and vital and there was no need to panic.

Homeopathy is beautiful. Homeopathy is magical. Homeopathy is gentle. There is an incredible power that those little pellets can carry when one is suffering. The ability to bring one's being back into balance amazes me every single time. My trip to Peru proved this to me time and time again. Travel sickness, diarrhea, fear of flying, injuries, emotional issues, bug bites, altitude sickness. Homeopathy was a true gift as my travel companion.

Here are some of the remedies that I took with me and feel that everyone should have in their homeopathic travel first aid kit:

For the:

"I am so fearful that I might die. The airplane is going to crash. I'm having a panic attack." ACONITUM NAPELLUS

"I fell/broke/scraped/hurt/injured my _____ and now I'm bleeding/sore/bruised/in shock."

ARNICA MONTANA

"I got stung or bitten by an insect and now it's painful and swollen/I stepped on a nail and there is a puncture wound." LEDUM PALUSTRE

"I got stung by a bee." APIS MELLIFICA

"I was sunbathing all day and now I have sunstroke." GLONOINUM

"Must have been those ice cubes. I cannot get out of the bathroom!" ARSENICUM ALBUM

"I have a headache/stomach ache. Too much partying/food/smoking." NUX VOMICA

"I'm nauseous and dizzy/have a headache from the motion of this boat/car/train. When I move it gets even worse." COCCULUS

Magical. Brilliant. Inexpensive. I truly feel that homeopathy will be a larger part of our future as we re-connect to what is important. The earth, the cycles, our innate healing wisdom....so much waiting to be discovered. It is time to truly awaken. It is time. A. xo