Bravery

"Something has changed within me

Something is not the same

I'm tired of playing by the rules

Of someone else's game

Too late for second guessing

Too late to go back to sleep

It's time to trust my instincts

To close my eyes and leap

It's time to try defying gravity

I think I'll try defying gravity

Kiss me good bye, I'm defying gravity

And you won't bring me down!

I'm through accepting limits

'Cause someone says they're so

Some things I cannot change

But 'till I try, I'll never know!

Too long I've been afraid of

Losing love, I guess I've lost

Well, if that's love

It comes at much too high a cost..."

Defying Gravity - Wicked

A year ago, I was finishing up an intensive 2 year course. The teachings were beautiful, the personal healing and growth that I experienced were unlike anything I had ever gone through in my life thus far. I would leave these intensive weekends, spiritually wiped out. Going deeper than I ever have before, healing wounds that I had hidden so well. It was excruciating and exhilarating all at once!

Nearing the end of my studies, I was being asked to begin hosting healing circles. I had facilitated meditation groups, which including healing techniques for the past 2 years, now my clients were asking for more. Something deeper.

I have to admit that this made me nervous as it was stepping out of my comfort zone, but I had made a resolution with myself that year that I was going to try and step out of my comfort zone weekly, so this was a perfect opportunity.

The week before the circle date, I received an e-mail from my teacher, sent out to the class. It stated that we, as students, were not "ready" to host healing circles. That this takes years of practice and that we could not possibly be able to hold space for that many people.

This felt like a knife in my heart. My ego was bruised, I was deeply hurt, angry and I have to admit, a little defiant. I examined it from all angles. Was this my truth? Was I really not "ready"? Who decides this? Was spirit truly calling me to do this? Or was I doing this from an ego place?

In my wounded state, my little girl self stepped forward. The one who always follows the rules, doesn't disappoint others and pleases everyone other than herself. She will bow down and cancel this circle because her teacher must know what is better for her than she does. Her own knowing and intuition mean nothing. She is not wise or gifted enough to do this. She is not enough, not enough, not enough...

Eagle medicine stepped in to intervene. "Tune into your heart dearest one..." he whispered, "What is spirit guiding you to do? Are you going to step up for yourself? How much longer are you going to stay small? Oppressed...Suppressed... "

From a healed place, the answer was easy. I had 30 people signed up for this circle. There was no way I was cancelling it based on someone else's words and assessment. At that time, I connected to the beautiful poem The Invitation, by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. "It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul, if you can be faithless and therefore, trustworthy". This particular part spoke deeply to my soul.

The circle ended up being beautiful. Not because I was facilitating it, but rather because of all of the magnificent people who showed up to share in healing, love and oneness. So much was gifted to me that day and I had my teacher to thank. He taught me so much more than either of us had bargained for. By challenging me, he showed me that I am able to put myself first, to disappoint others to be there for me.

He did not respond well to this and after other similar challenges, even more was revealed to me and I realized that it was time to step up into my Medicines. It was time to use my courage and step out of this box that was seemingly becoming controlling and ego based. If I stayed here, I realized that I would always be under someones judgement and control - so I flew, like the Eagle medicine that helped me to be brave, I flew and left the course right before it ended. A difficult decision for the woman who always finishes what she starts.

It was definitely an unpopular choice to leave. Who leaves at the very end? I was judged, questioned, gossiped about. All of my worst fears coming true!

And here it was - the biggest lesson of all. I saw that in choosing me, none of that mattered. In choosing me, I heal, I am Eagle, I am free.

A. xo