Truth

The teaching of truth is one that I have been contemplating as of late. The teachings tell us that truth -Debwewin - speaks of walking in a way in which you are not deceiving yourself or others.

Deceiving others, lying. We've all done it. White lie, black lie, multi-coloured lie. It's all the same and it is part of the human process of learning to speak our truth and be honest with others.

Deceiving ourselves seems to be a whole different ball game. Some call it denial or resistance to seeing the truth. Often times it keeps us from healing the deepest wounds that we carry. Through some recent healing work, I can see that this is the next step of my journey. Where have I been deceiving myself?

A year ago, I received my spirit name. It started off as a simple request to my Grandfather. I envisioned it to be a small ceremony with my mother, grandfather and I. The expansion of this vision came when my in-laws found out. Suddenly there were ideas of Mazel Tov proportions. Most of which involved food. Yummy food. Of course.

I was truly blessed to have extended family so interested in this day. The ceremony was beautiful. My Grandfather called to our ancestors in our language to receive the name. Hawk appeared and sat for the entire ceremony watching, protecting our sacred space. And then it came: Naandawi waagikagaan Kwe

Healing Rainbow Woman

Just a few months before, I had done a journey to find my authentic self and she was wearing a beautiful rainbow coloured skirt. She was twirling, spinning and dancing amongst many children. When I heard my name I thought back to that journey and tears sprung into my eyes. This was the next step of connecting to my truth, my authentic self. This name resonated and spoke to many parts of my soul.

I had waited for a naming ceremony until I felt ready. I wanted to truly embody the essence of this sacred name. To carry healing forward for my ancestors and to inspire my children's children.

I contemplated truth. The truth of who we are as spiritual beings in these human forms. The truth of my spirit. Beautiful and perfect in all of her being-ness. And for that day, when I received that name, I could feel it. It resonated through every single cell of my being. Healing Rainbow Woman. This is my truth.

Today I sit in sadness as I see that this truth has slowly fallen away. It has become distorted and wounded. I have been deceiving myself.

For the past couple of months I have been experiencing lots of physical pain. It has been longer and more intense than ever before. I have done all of the "right" things. Cleansed, juiced, spiritual healings, remedies, supplements, meditation. Yet, it is stuck. I am stuck.

And today there was this realization.

I have forgotten my truth. This pain is an illusion. It signifies and represents the unhealed parts of me. It is simply a symptom of a deeper issue waiting to be discovered. In no way does it define me. In no way is it my truth.

So, tonight I find my way back to Healing Rainbow Woman. She is dancing in the stars, her skirt flowing and shimmering a magnitude of colour and vibration.

I am honoured to carry her within. I re-connect. From this moment forward, I walk in my truth. I remember.

My name is Healing Rainbow Woman.

A. xo

Bravery

"Something has changed within me

Something is not the same

I'm tired of playing by the rules

Of someone else's game

Too late for second guessing

Too late to go back to sleep

It's time to trust my instincts

To close my eyes and leap

It's time to try defying gravity

I think I'll try defying gravity

Kiss me good bye, I'm defying gravity

And you won't bring me down!

I'm through accepting limits

'Cause someone says they're so

Some things I cannot change

But 'till I try, I'll never know!

Too long I've been afraid of

Losing love, I guess I've lost

Well, if that's love

It comes at much too high a cost..."

Defying Gravity - Wicked

A year ago, I was finishing up an intensive 2 year course. The teachings were beautiful, the personal healing and growth that I experienced were unlike anything I had ever gone through in my life thus far. I would leave these intensive weekends, spiritually wiped out. Going deeper than I ever have before, healing wounds that I had hidden so well. It was excruciating and exhilarating all at once!

Nearing the end of my studies, I was being asked to begin hosting healing circles. I had facilitated meditation groups, which including healing techniques for the past 2 years, now my clients were asking for more. Something deeper.

I have to admit that this made me nervous as it was stepping out of my comfort zone, but I had made a resolution with myself that year that I was going to try and step out of my comfort zone weekly, so this was a perfect opportunity.

The week before the circle date, I received an e-mail from my teacher, sent out to the class. It stated that we, as students, were not "ready" to host healing circles. That this takes years of practice and that we could not possibly be able to hold space for that many people.

This felt like a knife in my heart. My ego was bruised, I was deeply hurt, angry and I have to admit, a little defiant. I examined it from all angles. Was this my truth? Was I really not "ready"? Who decides this? Was spirit truly calling me to do this? Or was I doing this from an ego place?

In my wounded state, my little girl self stepped forward. The one who always follows the rules, doesn't disappoint others and pleases everyone other than herself. She will bow down and cancel this circle because her teacher must know what is better for her than she does. Her own knowing and intuition mean nothing. She is not wise or gifted enough to do this. She is not enough, not enough, not enough...

Eagle medicine stepped in to intervene. "Tune into your heart dearest one..." he whispered, "What is spirit guiding you to do? Are you going to step up for yourself? How much longer are you going to stay small? Oppressed...Suppressed... "

From a healed place, the answer was easy. I had 30 people signed up for this circle. There was no way I was cancelling it based on someone else's words and assessment. At that time, I connected to the beautiful poem The Invitation, by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. "It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul, if you can be faithless and therefore, trustworthy". This particular part spoke deeply to my soul.

The circle ended up being beautiful. Not because I was facilitating it, but rather because of all of the magnificent people who showed up to share in healing, love and oneness. So much was gifted to me that day and I had my teacher to thank. He taught me so much more than either of us had bargained for. By challenging me, he showed me that I am able to put myself first, to disappoint others to be there for me.

He did not respond well to this and after other similar challenges, even more was revealed to me and I realized that it was time to step up into my Medicines. It was time to use my courage and step out of this box that was seemingly becoming controlling and ego based. If I stayed here, I realized that I would always be under someones judgement and control - so I flew, like the Eagle medicine that helped me to be brave, I flew and left the course right before it ended. A difficult decision for the woman who always finishes what she starts.

It was definitely an unpopular choice to leave. Who leaves at the very end? I was judged, questioned, gossiped about. All of my worst fears coming true!

And here it was - the biggest lesson of all. I saw that in choosing me, none of that mattered. In choosing me, I heal, I am Eagle, I am free.

A. xo

Love

It has been said that there are Seven teachings the Grandfathers have given the Anishinaabe people. Love, Wisdom, Respect, Courage, Respect, Humility and Truth. In my humble opinion, I believe that all peoples across this earth, not just the Anishinaabe people, strive to walk these teachings in their own way or interpretation.

As an Ojibway woman, my mother did speak of these teachings as I grew up. She would tell me that the origin of the word Anishinaabe meant the "good" being. That we should walk the road that Creator gifted to us. This road, she would say, is always supported and guided by ancestors, spirit and our dreams. As I matured, I realized that the "good being" wasn't a judgement about good and bad, it was truly a reflection of walking the Grandfather Teachings as much as we can.

We do this as much as we can as we are perfect in our imperfection. We are spiritual beings having a human experience of learning and growth. I love Doreen Virtue's line about mistakes - "Mistakes require correction, not punishment". Gentleness and forgiveness for self is a vital part of coming into right relation with our spirit and soul's purpose. We do our best. And as a wise friend has reminded me, our best differs from day to day.

This all hit me today as I reflected on the teaching of Love. A very special friend bought me a Spa Day for my Birthday. She had carefully and lovingly chosen a Rose Massage for me as well as a treatment with her. 2 hours, just for me. A heavenly gift.

As I walked into the room for the massage today, it smelled divine. The scent of roses was in the room with the pure, loving vibration of the oil pulsating through the air. As I laid myself down, I felt tears spring into my eyes. There was so much love that surrounded me in this moment. This expression of love, as a gift, the self-love it took to receive and the vibration of love that was moving through every cell of my body.

It was too much.

I know this may sound ridiculous, but it was in this moment and I felt so sad for myself. I have been spending so much time nurturing others that I have completely disconnected to what it feels like to truly just receive. Just lie there, on a table and have someone give to me. I had no idea how to do it "right". I felt like a 4 year old trying to ride a bike. How do I do this again? How do I just be, completely in this moment and just receive all of the goodness that I deserve?

Every day I have this issue mirrored to me. My beautiful clients that give too much, don't take time for themselves, push themselves into exhaustion. And well, here I was, smelling like a rose and processing all of healing that I have been oblvious to until this very moment. Oh, come on - haven't I dealt with this already? I thought. Same lesson, deeper layer, spirit whispered back.

The spirit of Deer leapt forward tonight in my reflections of my day. I have walked with Deer for many years and know that when she shows herself, there has been a shift in my awareness. Tonight, she reminds me to nurture my spirit, to love my body, to honour my heart's song, intuition and sensitivity. I ask for her medicine to flow through me. To forgive myself. To soften all of the harsh judgments that are not my truth. And she shows up. She always does.

Tonight, I sit here, full of gratitude for the amazing lessons that my beautiful friend gifted me with. The gift was so much deeper. It meant so much more than a day at the spa. I am so blessed.

And before I go to sleep, I thank all of the ancestors that guide my way, the dreams that teach me, the guides that protect and honour me. For they are teaching me to honour myself.

A. xo